Record scratch, freeze frame. Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I got here, in a dark alleyway, covered in blood, holding the decapitated head of a vampire in one hand and a machete in the other. [OH BOY]
My name is [REDACTED] I like long walks on the beach, [LAME] and I grew up in [REDACTED]. Oh yeah, and I’m a vampire hunter. I tend to gloss over that part when I meet new people. Of course, my occupation makes it hard to meet people. For one thing, I probably look twenty years older than I am. This life ages you. Constantly having to look over your shoulder isn’t easy, and neither is living entirely in the dark. I am out all night every night and I sleep when I can. I haven’t seen the sun in at least two weeks.
I’ve been hunting practically since I could walk, [GET A REAL JOB] and I will keep hunting until the day I die. Both my parents were vampire hunters too. That’s probably why I’ve survived this long; they had a lot of wisdom to pass down to me.
For example, one clove of garlic won’t save you from a vampire. You want multiple pounds of garlic bulbs with the flowers still attached. You wear them on your body. That’s what I did tonight. I got suited up in all black with garlic stuffed in every pocket and a silver crucifix tied to my belt. I don’t really believe in what it represents anymore but it does a number on vampires. [LOL EDGY] After that, I packed all my gear into my truck. You want more than just a wooden stake when you’re squaring off with a vampire. A wooden stake is good, that’ll get them on the ground, but then you need a good-sized knife to [REDACTED] and take out the [REDACTED]. That’s what the machete is for.
Finding the vampire is the easy part. They come out to feed every night and they are loud as fuck. To the untrained ear, it sounds like a rabid dog. When you’ve been at this as long as I have, you can tell the difference. When you come across the vampire you’ll know what it is right away. Edward Cullen lied to you. They don’t look like people. Not really. [RUDE] They’re pale all over, with long spindly fingers and teeth like an animal. They’re grizzled old demons with fire in their eyes and blood thick like red paint dripping down their chins. You want to get them while they’re feeding because they’re strong and in a hand-to-hand fight they’ll always win. That's what makes killing them so difficult. But here's how I do it: [REDACTED] Then you need to get rid of them. I usually just burn them. They’re not human, they don’t leave bones. They just burn up.
After that, you go home. You shower because you’re covered in blood too. Then you try not to look at yourself in the mirror because after weeks and months of darkness and fighting, pale and clammy and covered in blood, you’re starting to look like the things that you hunt.[CRY ABOUT IT]